I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
