Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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