i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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