I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
