Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
