Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
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Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
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I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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