he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Randomize
