I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???