OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
NoShamevember. You game?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said