You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
