I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
