my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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