Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
