bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
