I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
