Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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