There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
