So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
