Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
