There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
