I cannot find my penis.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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