not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
