my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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