I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
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He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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