If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had to cum in my sink.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
