I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
