I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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