I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
