Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
