You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize