I think I won the penis lottery.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
