Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
