I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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