Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
