A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
