haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
