....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
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We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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