Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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