If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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