if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
