Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
