my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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