Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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