Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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