I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
