oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
