This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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