Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
