they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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