last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
