It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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