I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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