He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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