I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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