guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
