Your tits are I can't wait for
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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