trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
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I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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