so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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